I was hanging out with a few of my friends the other day and all of them had one thing in common, they were all looking for a new chic.  They complained that they can’t find the right type of chic, or that they aren’t getting the attention of the one that they want blah blah blah. 

So, on I went to one of my chic pals and asked her what the deal was with you women. Well, seems  there’s a check list of things chics look for when deciding whether to give a guy the time. Guys, you might want to scale down your personal expectations a bit after this. So, what attracts a woman to a guy?

Be Spontaneous

Women love spontaneity because it is very attractive and alludes to excitement.  When men get older, they seem to get more boring and dull.  They would rather sit at home or go to a bar.  If you want a girl to be interested and stay interested in you, take her out to different places and show her new experiences she’s never had before.  Women love men that they can learn from and keep entertained, not just when they first meet, but forever.

Flirtatious

Don’t think of this as a call to exercise your lame lines on each and every chic that passes by. If you can think on your feet, and are quick to reply to her playful teases, you’ll be seen as smart and alert.  A woman would rather be with a man that stimulates her intellectually, than someone who is brain dead.  It is much better to find something original to say on the spot rather than to use those lame pick up lines of yours.

Stylish Kicks  

One of the first things that most girls notice in guys is what kind of shoes they are wearing. Yes, every time you walk into a restaurant, club or wherever, unapigwa bei. Shoes speak more about you than you need to say. You can be the skinniest guy ever, wearing a luminous green muscle shirt and orange corduroy pants from the 80’s… but if you’re wearing brand new shoes that are in style, girls will automatically see you as attractive. If you don’t have the shoes… get them.  Also, if ever a woman approaches you and says, “Hey, I like your shoes!” she’s actually saying she’s interested.  Think about it, have you randomly approached a girl because you thought her dress looked nice?  It’s probably because you think she’s attractive.

Fitted nguoz

Not tight fitting- Fitted, there’s a world of difference there. Say goodbye to baggy nguoz! Your clad should complement your body and show off your features. Do you know why suits look good? Because they are tailored to fit you perfectly. This is attractive to women.

Confidence 

This can make or break a man as there is a fine line between a man with high self-esteem and one that is just plain arrogant. Men that carry themselves with a vibe that displays confidence and self-assurance is just plain sexy. Even if the girl you are trying to get into your bed is a church leader, if you want to have any chance with her, given that you are a first class heathen, imagine that she is a harlot. Don’t misunderstand me- I am not saying treat her like she came out of Koinange at 4 in the morning. I am saying if the church gig intimidates you, then picture her as something that isn’t intimidating. Whatever it is that makes you jittery and nervous around her, work a way round it. No woman wants a coward. First impressions are absolutes for women, so your first might be your last. Even if she looks like she was carved out of diamonds, do not go up to her and look like a paka in a den of lions. Get your swag on dadi!

Men and women are from two completely different planets and were somehow forced to cohabit on earth. Women do things that drive men crazy, and men do things that drive women crazy. Either way neither of us can live with or without each other. Believe it or not, men get just as agitated with women’s annoying habits, as women do with theirs. What annoying habits you might ask? Well, if you did not jua already, here you are:

Sengenyaing other women

Many times when a woman sees an attractive woman, she will begin to haterize and criticize her harshly. Some women do this as an attempt to completely diminish the woman's looks so that their man won't think anything of her. Check this out ladies, if you have a good man, then he only has eyes for you. Believe it or not, when women do this, it makes them look ugly themselves. It is a complete turn off to men when women do this. When women do this, it makes them look extremely insecure, and jealous- the two traits in a woman that men happen to hate the most! Men love confident, classy women who are comfortable in their own skin. Next time you see a beautiful woman, instead of criticizing her, give her a compliment. This will make you look confident, instead of looking like a big, green, envious monster.

The holier than thou act

A recurring theme among many women is that they try to place themselves under a "holier than thou" light, never admitting that they fooled around or dividing their number of bedroom exploits by three. Now, we applaud those ladies who truly are innocent and pure, but the rest should stop trying to water down their past. Women are allowed to have just as much fun as guys, and they should find a man who can appreciate that.

The jealousy card

Often, just the mere mentioning of another woman's name can spell the end of your existence. Call it what you will, but a lot of women have this thing that causes them to second-guess everything, especially their man's loyalty. If you've given her reason to doubt you, then her paranoia is likely justified. Otherwise, you shouldn't have to pay the price because she's feeling insecure. A jealous woman has deeper insecurities that hamper her ability to trust her guy, so the best thing is to let her deal with those issues on her own.

Getting too emotional

They cry over anything: a sad movie, a happy movie, a broken nail or a haircut gone Esther Arunga crazy. What's worse, they expect the guy to clean up the emotional mess. And if there's one thing guys hate, it's dealing with a crying woman on their shoulder.

Shop till you drop

When it comes to shopping, there just aren't enough hours in the day for most women. Whether it's browsing, window-shopping or an all-out spending spree, they can spend hours on end in a shoe store, among others, without even thinking about food, water or any of their responsibilities.

But what's worse is that they have to take you along for the ride. So there you go trudging from store to store wandering aimlessly like a lost puppy back and forth while they inspect every article of clothing by its respective price tag. Unless it is lingerie on offer, this has got to be one of the most annoying, depressing and embarrassing things a woman could ask of you

Talking incessantly

Chris Rock hit the point home when he said that asking a woman how her day went is an invitation to a 45-minute conversation. Most women love to talk, and if you give them the ammo, they won't stop shooting their mouths off. It's not that guys don't care about what they have to say; it's just that guys don't need to hear every minute detail. The overview will do fine for a guy. If you need to discuss details call up tour girlfriends.

This list could take days to exhaust, as you know women can be a pretty fickle bunch. Nways, ever wondered why she is so mad at you and you have no clue?! In your eyes you have been nothing short of exemplary and she is getting bothered for no apparent reason.

Before you start placing blame on the usual suspect, PMS, labda you might want to take a step back and think about whether you did any of the following in the past couple of days:

Kuwa mpole pare pare

You’re in the mood, so you reach out and grab things- a boob here, a diab there, or any of the other general nether regions. Guys, believe me when I tell you that this is the biggest sin you can commit when trying to seduce a woman. It will not send her into an orgasmic swoon and have her eating out of your hand and begging for it like that Muturi fellow.

Neither will groping her in the kitchen while she is doing the dishes. These inept moves don’t get a woman all hot and bothered — it just upsets them. Try hugging or kissing. Hold and squeeze her hand. Do the dishes (or not). Women want to feel connected to their better halves—in ways that don’t always involve sex. You have to make a woman feel sexy and make her want to be sexual.

Don’t Treat her Like an X-Rated Porn Star

Just because you can pay to watch a chick with fake boobs and even faker sound effects lick some hairy, grunting guy doesn’t mean you can treat your chic like some cheap, naughty flick. Women crave seduction, they crave pleasure, they want sex to be, well… sexy, not like some shoe string budget third-rate porn production. I’m not saying you won’t get those kinda “surprise treats” every now and then, but you gotta work for them! You know what the largest sex organ is? All you perverts can type “porntherapy.com” on your browser now. The brain is the biggest sex organ…((shocker)) and most women have fantasies that would make your library collection of hard porn look like an episode of Teletubbies! Here is some friendly advice; the main reason why women aren’t really into porn is cauz almost all of it is created by men and for men, who don’t consider what really turns a woman on. Wanna know what does turn her on? Find out by putting her pleasure first for once, try that for a change.

Do Unto Others...

For all ye heathens who ducked Sunday School to join your alcoholic father and his friends at the bar on Sunday morning well what I am getting at is really simple. Give and you shall receive! Want hot sex? You have to provide a woman with the kind of sex she wants as well. Simply put, you’ve got to give as good as you get. Do I need to spell it out for you? If you want her to use her mouth, you might wanna use yours too! And if you do it first? All the better. Some women may be shy of a tongue near their lady area but I have never heard a woman complain about one being correctly stuck there.

Give her Space

It seems counterintuitive, but letting your partner have some time to herself can help her recharge. Offer to take something off her to do list for the day so she can meet a friend for coffee, read that book she’s been dying to sit down with, or relax in a bubble bath. This "time off" lets her wind down so that later she’ll be ready to heat up. I am sure that you are reading this becauz at one time you pissed of your woman- so you know first-hand that women do not forget. That works for the bad as it does for the good things you do. Do something nice and she feels like she is obligated, like she owes you, so she has to do something nice back.

Talk less, Listen more

I know, I know: Many of you would probably rather eat body parts than be forced to "communicate." But chill, it does not have to be a 12 hour Macbethian soliloquy of your inner most feelings. Spending 20 minutes connecting with your woman and listening to her talk can help her feel appreciated. Respond with full sentences; half-witted grunts are not acceptable and neither are vocabulary malfunctions like “mhhh”, “eeeh” and the patronizing “Yes dear.” Maintain eye contact when communicating, at least for 10 minutes if you will. If you can remember and repeat something she said 12 hours later, she’ll be impressed—and you’ll be one step closer to what you really want…hot sex.

“Muturi” That is the new word in town. If you have no idea what that is then clearly you live in a cave next to rebel leader Kony. This was a clip that appeared on Classis FM courtesy of Maina and King’angi and then Shaffie na Kalekye played it on Kiss.

This is so bad there is now a petition going round for Classic and Kiss FM to be regulated by the government! Listen in for yourself and let muchene know what you think. Of course since we do not want to be REGULATED ourselves, we will kindly ask you to fuata the link below: