WARNING: If you are generally never serious with life, this article will bore you to death. Please make your way to the Models section of this magazine for something that is more appropriate for you.

Let me begin by saying it is it my belief that after a certain age, let’s say 25 or thereabouts, most men aren’t out to purposefully hurt women. Older men simply accept that some of their actions, even the passive ones (like having casual sex with another woman) can potentially hurt the women in their lives. Informing a woman that you’re an ass, then subsequently acting like an ass towards her and saying it’s her fault because you “told her the truth up front” is no longer a viable excuse my friend. Wiser men attempt to adjust their actions to hurt as few women as possible. In a perfect world this would be zero women, but we do not live in a perfect world now do we?

In the pursuit of happiness however, many women still place themselves in the hands of men hoping against every imaginable hopelessness, turning a deaf ear to the sounds of “it’s not gonna work” and working against every possible stereotype, competition, false advice and her own misgivings about the guy, that things will work out in the end. That starting as his diligent, loyal and loving girlfriend, something will click in his head to prompt him to make her his wife. She only has to figure a way of getting him to that hallowed point.

The Girlfriend

To begin, there is nothing wrong with being a girlfriend. In 9.9 of 10 cases you can’t be someone’s wife without first being their girlfriend unless you are in an arranged marriage or he found you on one of those Russian bride websites – not that I’m judging. The only problem with being a girlfriend is if your title of girlfriend is permanently affixed when you prefer the title of fiancé or wife. It is like being at a job where despite your most valiant that promotion never comes. Do you quit? Do you hold on longer?

There is one thing about being a girlfriend that I want to clear up. If you want to be promoted from girlfriend to wife, you should technically never have to ask. You should never have to give any ultimatums either. However, just because you should not does not mean employing either of these options is wrong. In some cases, it’s completely valid. I’ll describe such a scenario later.

The Promotion to wife

Before using either strategy you should mentally (or emotionally) prepare yourself for receiving an unfavorable response. For example, when you want to move up at your job you have received performance reviews, which give you an idea of how well you are performing in your current position. If you never receive such a review, it may be an indication that management is not considering you for promotion. This means two things: 1) It might reflect management’s disinterest or 2) It might be a simple misunderstanding. Management may be unaware you are interested in the promotion.

The same may be said for a relationship. If a man has never mentioned marrying you, it might mean he is uninterested or it could mean he doesn’t know you want to be married. In other words, don’t assume that simply because you’re already his girlfriend he knows you have ambitious personal goals involving advancement to wife. In his mind, you are perfectly content “gaining experience” in your current position. For now, you very well may be. If both parties are happy, then there is really no reason to make a change, yet. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

On the other hand, if you want a promotion and it hasn’t been made clear you will, I believe this is a discussion that needs to take place. As I mentioned earlier, if you two are not on the same page it may be time for you to ask those difficult questions involving your future. Let me say at this point however, this is not a prelude to giving ultimatums about when you should be promoted. Rememberyou’re your professional life, your career goals are guided by management; they are not dictated to management. 

The difficult bit

You must accept that having this discussion will only result in one of three outcomes:

Outcome 1: Management agrees with the assessment of your abilities and agrees to promote you immediately or in the near future. This means that your man agrees that it is time to promote you to his wife as he agrees that you have all the qualities needed for that position. Well done!

Outcome 2: Management disagrees with the assessment of your abilities but believes you have potential. In time, you may receive the promotion you desire. This promotion is not guaranteed and from management’s viewpoint, it is not time sensitive. Before you get all fired up for a confrontation, remember, you approached management. Management didn’t approach you.  This means that your man is quite fine with your current role and how things are at the moment. Even if they obviously don’t want to lose you, at least now they know it’s a very real possibility. They have to be proactive henceforth or risk losing you for good.

Outcome 3: Despite your stellar qualities, service, reputation and CV, you are not the person management is looking for the position. This means no matter what you do, how well you do it, and how long you do it for, you will never be promoted beyond the current position of girlfriend.

These realities are difficult to accept. Obviously, Outcome 1 is the most ideal. Even with Outcome 2, you have to decide if you want to remain when the promotion you desire is not guaranteed. Lastly, Outcome 3, places accountability squarely back on you. Sure, the economy is bad and the job market is tough but does that mean you’re going to remain stuck in a dead-end job or are you going to look for a “company” that will eventually promote you or are you going to remain in one that has made it very clear you may never promoted? What I am trying to say is that once a man has made it very clear he has no intention of ever marrying you, trying to change their mind is time wasted.

Of course if you stay, no one will fault you. Sometimes even the benefits of a dead-end job are better than unemployment – meaning sometimes what you get from a relationship that will never end with nuptials is still much better than remaining single! That’s for you to decide but it is your decision.

Now, in Outcome 2, while they may ultimately select you, it is not guaranteed. Despite your years of loyalty, you will be objectively compared to all other applicants when the time comes for promotion. That means that despite how perfect you have been in your current as girlfriend, your man will evaluate you on a level pegging as the nice girl from church that has his mother’s blessing. However, if you are confident in your abilities this should not be a problem. You have a head-start in any case. But it would do you some good to more than consider that after all you have put in, he may pick somebody else. It would also do you some good to realize that there may actually be someone better suited for him as his wife. Fair or unfair as this may sound, another woman’s overall CV may supersede your own despite your best efforts.

I remember Chris Rock in one of his comical shows stating that since he got married, he knows more about women than do other men. “Single guys have girlfriends,” Rock said. “Girlfriends are always auditioning, always on their best behavior. Wives are like Supreme Court justices; they do whatever…they want.”

There is something fundamentally different between a ‘relationship’ and a ‘marriage’, and that difference is, among other things, permanence. Why does the wife, unlike the girlfriend, do whatever she wants? It is because she has the security of knowing her relationship cannot be easily dissolved. She’s here to stay. And she knows it. You have sworn before God, your family and the community that you will be with woman till the death. Your scandalous ass is now on lock down!

Even if you are living together before you get hitched, cohabitation doesn’t prepare you for marriage. Living together might expose a number of the previous never seen before bad habits, but it is still subject to your man one day walking in and packing his bags and throwing you the deuces. Without the security of permanence and fidelity a “relationship” is wholly different from a marriage. As a matter of fact, “dating” isn’t preparation for marriage either…all it lets you know is if that this person is not marriage material. Other than that, the marriage bit itself is not done by theory but by just jumping the broom.

But I am not trying to discourage people. Get hitched by all means it is a beautiful thing, but do not say you were not warned. Once you are married, the thought for most people is, “what are you going to do?” Nothing. You will live with all the nasty habits and annoyances, and eventually you will learn to ignore them because, well, what are you going to do? You’re married for life, and so you can live happily or unhappily, but you’ll do it together.